Gonna preemptively jump into the comments with a post script.
Things have actually gotten a lot better in a short amount of time. He’s consistently sleeping through the night and is a lot calmer during his wake windows. Our hangouts for the past week have been an absolute blast. I’m back in the gym and regularly writing again. I even finished another book this weekend!
Raising a baby is still very tough, but it is much preferable to the alternative. I hope nobody confuses my good faith griping with anti-natalism or, even worse, regret.
It will get a lot easier in the coming years. The real problem here is that you're at a corporate job all day, filled to the brim with surrogate activities and ultimately meaningless office politics.
It may feel like the kid is the source of the frustration, but from personal experience - subtract the job, and things are much easier.
Are you close to grandparents? If so, now is the time to lean on them, hard, for support.
Mother-in-law is very close and helps a lot. My parents are a couple hours away and definitely take a lot off our plate when we're with them. They've all been a big help.
I can feel things getting easier as time moves on. I know more challenges will pop up, but just understanding that there's a waxing and waning rhythm to the whole thing keeps me a lot calmer.
Very good piece. The Leftovers is a great, under-appreciated show. Two short comments from a father of four. First, in my experience, all new significant experiences - like becoming a father for the first time - slow time down for a period. Time starts to fly when day to day life is repeated without new intervening significant experiences.
Second, loss of agency is the wrong way to frame what you’re experiencing. Being present in your kids’ lives when they are little is what they will remember, and is what will give them substance and a sense of home, family, and place. As you recognize, it is your duty, not an unwanted side effect of parenting. There’s a section of Bruce Springsteen’s biography where he talks about making breakfast for his kids for the first time. He hadn’t realized it up until that point that that kind of mundane stuff was important.
Just don’t fall into the trap of doing travel sports. That’s a complete subversion of your agency, but comes much later, and is avoidable.
Thanks! Not sure if you're following the dustup over Justin Murphy's tweet over on X, but that second part has become readily apparent based on all the blowback he's getting.
I managed to avoid travel sports in my childhood. I'm very wary of the specialization we're putting on kids at younger and younger ages these days.
First year and a half is the worst of it IMO, though I can only speak up to having a four-year-old. Maybe 12 is awful. No idea.
ANYWAY, I have a four-year-old son, an almost three-year-old son, and a 9-month-old son. When we just had the two older boys and they had gotten to two and three, shit was on cruise control. If I was tired I could just take a nap in the playroom while they messed around. Or turn on a show and get some work done. Piece of cake.
But the baby? The baby needs constant attention. Especially now that he's crawling. Toddler mobility + baby brain = death and injury around every corner of our house. Once he can manage himself in a controlled environment in like 6 to 8 months we'll be back to an easier situation. Things definitely get easier and, all things considered, fairly quickly, in terms of getting your time back.
I get for most modern couples having a kid is a choice, but if it's a choice it feels like a choice that is nudged along by something quite powerful and mysterious too that you aren't entirely in control of. At least that has been my own experience.
Both of my kids are almost 30 and I still remember those days. I think you've done a great service by discussing early parenting in such a frank way. Few people do. Howard Stern, of all people, offered some wisdom many years ago that stayed with me. He said something to the effect that parenthood makes you less selfish, less narcissistic, and therefore a better citizen of the world. He felt it was important for his growth. Sometimes the tough stuff has a way making things better.
Really good writing. Took me about a year after my first daughter was born to figure out (and accept) how to adapt the things I do to self-regulate to the new reality. I’ve found it to be not so much getting back to what was in terms of that stuff as much as prioritizing one or two things and figuring out how to, in conjunction with my wife, incorporate our non-negotiables day by day and week by week. With the understanding that emergency weeks happen and this is a season of life we are very lucky to be in. Typing this comment as my 8 month old naps on me in a baby carrier. Looking forward to more writing, whether it’s next week, month, or year.
Thanks! Sleeping through the night has unlocked a lot for us. I think the exercise piece is the biggest one for me. If I can stay physically active, that smooths over a lot of other small irritations.
I am aware of this as I'm in the moment so I'm trying to grasp on to as much as I can so I can look back and say I appreciated it while it was happening.
Outstanding articulation of the early days of parenting. As you described, many of the phases change fast, what’s hard today is nothing or forgotten tomorrow. Happy to hear your son and (it sounds like) you and your wife are both doing well.
I remember that scene in The Leftovers. Loved that show. It had some tough scenes, that was certainly one of them. When things get really hard, you pray for (as Chapelle might say) another parent’s hell. Great comp, thanks for writing this.
Thanks! Glad it resonated. Today is her first day back at work full time so we've got another big adjustment to make, but we feel like we got some solid momentum going into the new year.
Gonna preemptively jump into the comments with a post script.
Things have actually gotten a lot better in a short amount of time. He’s consistently sleeping through the night and is a lot calmer during his wake windows. Our hangouts for the past week have been an absolute blast. I’m back in the gym and regularly writing again. I even finished another book this weekend!
Raising a baby is still very tough, but it is much preferable to the alternative. I hope nobody confuses my good faith griping with anti-natalism or, even worse, regret.
It will get a lot easier in the coming years. The real problem here is that you're at a corporate job all day, filled to the brim with surrogate activities and ultimately meaningless office politics.
It may feel like the kid is the source of the frustration, but from personal experience - subtract the job, and things are much easier.
Are you close to grandparents? If so, now is the time to lean on them, hard, for support.
Mother-in-law is very close and helps a lot. My parents are a couple hours away and definitely take a lot off our plate when we're with them. They've all been a big help.
I can feel things getting easier as time moves on. I know more challenges will pop up, but just understanding that there's a waxing and waning rhythm to the whole thing keeps me a lot calmer.
Very good piece. The Leftovers is a great, under-appreciated show. Two short comments from a father of four. First, in my experience, all new significant experiences - like becoming a father for the first time - slow time down for a period. Time starts to fly when day to day life is repeated without new intervening significant experiences.
Second, loss of agency is the wrong way to frame what you’re experiencing. Being present in your kids’ lives when they are little is what they will remember, and is what will give them substance and a sense of home, family, and place. As you recognize, it is your duty, not an unwanted side effect of parenting. There’s a section of Bruce Springsteen’s biography where he talks about making breakfast for his kids for the first time. He hadn’t realized it up until that point that that kind of mundane stuff was important.
Just don’t fall into the trap of doing travel sports. That’s a complete subversion of your agency, but comes much later, and is avoidable.
Thanks! Not sure if you're following the dustup over Justin Murphy's tweet over on X, but that second part has become readily apparent based on all the blowback he's getting.
I managed to avoid travel sports in my childhood. I'm very wary of the specialization we're putting on kids at younger and younger ages these days.
First year and a half is the worst of it IMO, though I can only speak up to having a four-year-old. Maybe 12 is awful. No idea.
ANYWAY, I have a four-year-old son, an almost three-year-old son, and a 9-month-old son. When we just had the two older boys and they had gotten to two and three, shit was on cruise control. If I was tired I could just take a nap in the playroom while they messed around. Or turn on a show and get some work done. Piece of cake.
But the baby? The baby needs constant attention. Especially now that he's crawling. Toddler mobility + baby brain = death and injury around every corner of our house. Once he can manage himself in a controlled environment in like 6 to 8 months we'll be back to an easier situation. Things definitely get easier and, all things considered, fairly quickly, in terms of getting your time back.
Glad to hear this. I know things will get tougher once he starts moving around. Trying to enjoy the rolling stage at this moment.
Amazing articulation of an experience.
I get for most modern couples having a kid is a choice, but if it's a choice it feels like a choice that is nudged along by something quite powerful and mysterious too that you aren't entirely in control of. At least that has been my own experience.
You’re right. It always feels like something bigger than you is making all of this happen.
Both of my kids are almost 30 and I still remember those days. I think you've done a great service by discussing early parenting in such a frank way. Few people do. Howard Stern, of all people, offered some wisdom many years ago that stayed with me. He said something to the effect that parenthood makes you less selfish, less narcissistic, and therefore a better citizen of the world. He felt it was important for his growth. Sometimes the tough stuff has a way making things better.
You gotta cut all the dead weight from your personality if you’re going to make it!
Really good writing. Took me about a year after my first daughter was born to figure out (and accept) how to adapt the things I do to self-regulate to the new reality. I’ve found it to be not so much getting back to what was in terms of that stuff as much as prioritizing one or two things and figuring out how to, in conjunction with my wife, incorporate our non-negotiables day by day and week by week. With the understanding that emergency weeks happen and this is a season of life we are very lucky to be in. Typing this comment as my 8 month old naps on me in a baby carrier. Looking forward to more writing, whether it’s next week, month, or year.
Thanks! Sleeping through the night has unlocked a lot for us. I think the exercise piece is the biggest one for me. If I can stay physically active, that smooths over a lot of other small irritations.
Once your kids are big you not only miss this time but you miss them when they were tiny babies. Such a strange feeling
I am aware of this as I'm in the moment so I'm trying to grasp on to as much as I can so I can look back and say I appreciated it while it was happening.
Outstanding articulation of the early days of parenting. As you described, many of the phases change fast, what’s hard today is nothing or forgotten tomorrow. Happy to hear your son and (it sounds like) you and your wife are both doing well.
I remember that scene in The Leftovers. Loved that show. It had some tough scenes, that was certainly one of them. When things get really hard, you pray for (as Chapelle might say) another parent’s hell. Great comp, thanks for writing this.
Thanks! Glad it resonated. Today is her first day back at work full time so we've got another big adjustment to make, but we feel like we got some solid momentum going into the new year.