Paternity Leave

There are about to be some big changes around here

At some point in the next couple of weeks, God willing, I’m going to become a father.

My wife is in the end stages of her pregnancy and has been handling the recent New York City heat wave like a champ. The nursery is set up. The stroller is assembled and ready to roll. After months of preparation and reading and endless TikToks about pregnancy and childbirth (Alright, that last one is mostly my wife), we’re mere days away from welcoming our son into the world.

I’m obscenely excited about the whole thing. A lot of the joy I’ve felt in the last nine or so months comes from visualizing early fatherhood moments - going for walks in the park with our dog, laying on the couch together and watching college football, filling his tiny little head with my insane theories about the nature of art, etc. I’ve even caught myself looking ahead to the next decade and beyond. I recently read a post by Rambo Van Halen where he mentioned showing his teenage son Fight Club for the first time and I got super emotional thinking about showing my son all of my favorite movies when he’s older (Including Fight Club). I just hope he loves The Matrix half as much as I do.

But in spite of all of my mental planning, I still have no clue what’s about to happen. I know that fatherhood will change me in a profound way, but I have no idea what that change will actually look and feel like. I just know that change is coming. It’s as if I’m walking into a completely dark room. I know there is something really awesome in that room, but I don’t know what the room looks like, how big it is, or how the furniture is laid out. I’ll need some time to figure it out after I walk in.

This is why I’m taking a month-long paternity leave.

I’m taking it from my actual job, but I’m going to take it from writing and posting as well. I want to focus exclusively on the baby and immerse myself in the world of fatherhood. Navigating something this monumental will require my full attention and I want to give it all of my focus, for the sake of both my son and my wife. Once I get the lay of the land and have settled into this new role, I’ll start to integrate the rest of my life back into the picture.

Right now, I keep to a pretty strict routine. I wake up early, I write, I exercise, I go to work, I come home, I hang out with my wife and dog, and then I go to bed early so I can do it all again the next day. I’ve really gotten into a groove this year and feel very content. All of these behaviors are comfortable and familiar to me. Now, something new is coming into the picture that will supersede all of that and take center stage. It will become the central component of my life, and I’ll have to see how all of these other pieces fit around it.

I definitely do not want to discard those other pieces. I want to be a great father, but I also want to stay active with writing and exercise. I want to do well at my job. And I want to be a supportive husband and partner to my wife. I just don’t know what all of that looks like on a day-to-day basis yet. But once that central element of fatherhood falls into place and I get a sense of what it’s going to require of me, I can start to build a new routine that encompasses everything.

I believe that’s the best thing I can do for my son. In the long term, I want him to see me fully engaged with life, working to integrate all of its necessary elements into one harmonious flow. The execution won’t always be consistent. Life is simply too messy and complicated for that. But the attempt will be, and that’s the most important part. I can’t think of a more meaningful behavior I’d want him to emulate.

But until then, at least for this first month, he’s getting all of my attention. I’ll see you all once football season rolls around.