Small Things Add Up
Something approximating a Life Philosophy
The most enduring memory from my childhood isn’t real. It’s real in the sense that it actually happened. In fact, it happened many times. But it’s unreal in the sense that what I’m imagining in my mind's eye isn’t a singular event that transpired. Rather, it’s an amalgamation of repeated events, all compressed into one image. It’s the image of my dad getting home from work, walking through the garage door into our house, and kissing my mom as she made dinner.
I know this didn’t happen every night. Some nights my dad would be traveling for work, or would be out entertaining clients, and my mom, my brother, and I would have dinner without him. Some nights we ordered food instead of my mom cooking dinner, or we went with a microwave option in the name of ease and convenience. But it happened way more often than not, over a long period of time, so much so that when I recall my childhood and what dinner time was like at our house, the aforementioned Leave It To Beaver scene is what pops into my mind. It’s a memory, not of one event, but of a repeated pattern.
I took this for granted throughout my life, simply because it was all I knew. I didn’t understand that plenty of other people don’t have this same stable experience. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I was reading Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules For Life that a particular passage clarified the entire thing for me. Peterson says that the most important part of your day is not the big things you’re focused on. It’s not your upcoming presentation at work, the errands you have to run, or whatever else is on your to do list. The most important part of your day is the way you say goodbye to your spouse in the morning and hello to them at night. Because that’s a pattern you will repeat day after day, week after week, year after year, and all of those tiny moments, taking no more than a few seconds at a time, add up and compound like interest to create the emotional fabric of your life. Only after reading that did I realize the net positive effect of my parents nightly greeting ritual, not only on them but on myself as well.
I began to lock in on this idea not long after reading that passage. It was around this time that I moved in with my then girlfriend, now wife, and I tried to implement the same type of practice. But I also began to see other ways that positive repetition manifested itself in my life.
Our apartment was within walking distance of Central Park, and I used to go running there a few days a week. “I should appreciate this more,” I remember telling myself. “Not many people get the opportunity to exercise in a world famous park on a regular basis.” I would be in the middle of a run trying to mentally capture the moment for posterity so I could fully appreciate it, both at that time and later on. But it never really took hold.
Only later did I realize the folly in this. When it comes to things you do on a regular basis, there’s no point in trying to capture one specific moment to reminisce about in the future. I was never going to remember “that time I ran in Central Park.” But what I would remember is the composite of all those runs I went on. Much like seeing my dad come home from work, the memory of the habit is what would stick with me.
I can feel that memory take root even now, and I’m not that far removed from that time in my life. My wife and I moved closer to the East River about two years ago and it’s just not possible for me to go running in Central Park multiple times a week the way that I used to. But I look back on that era fondly, and when I recall jogging past the Bethesda Fountain and down The Mall, I know I’m not remembering one specific instance. I’m remembering many runs put together, and the image in my head is more meaningful because I know it was built up over time as opposed to occurring just once. I’m now able to appreciate that experience the way I always wanted to while I was doing it.
Last week, I wrote about how comedians and other artists focus on the small things around them. This is a habit I wish more people had. Most of us are not going to lead exciting lives filled with major events. Sure, we’ll all have a few peak experiences sprinkled in, but most of our lives will be made up of the small, mundane and day-to-day. But just because those things are small and mundane doesn’t mean they’re unimportant. Taken piece by piece, they don’t account for much. But taken as a whole, they’re the overwhelming majority of our time on earth.
That’s why I believe people should focus way more energy on the small stuff, stuff that seems dumb and trivial but in reality is as important as it gets. They should care about how clean their house is, how many browser tabs they keep open on their work computer, the amount of time they spend on social media, their attitude around their family, how up to date their car maintenance is, and plenty of other small things that take just a few seconds to get right but have lasting consequences. They don’t mean much on their own. But, like thousands of fine particles accumulating to cover a coffee table with a coat of dust, their collective impact has the power to change the shape of the world in front of you. Make sure you get them right.
